Today’s Operation Lucifer award for overproduction of quota goes to Counting Cats in Zanzibar.

Please read, mark, learn and inwardly digest. Superb.

And remember to make up your own, every time. Originality is all! By sheer creativity will this threat to our liberty be confounded!

Token; admiration; gritted; teeth; sour; grapes; bomb; terrorist; etc.

Once upon a time, many years ago, there was a conspiracy theory.

The American National Security Agency (NSA being held really to mean ‘No Such Agency’ or perhaps ‘Never Say Anything’) were said to be reading every e-mail that was sent within, or to or from, the USA.

How did we know this?

Well, you see, the NSA’s computers, despite being very expensive indeed, still weren’t quite fast enough. They had to read every e-mail to search it for keywords, but there were so many that the bandwidth wasn’t quite sufficient for the job.

Which is why e-mails so often arrived with their last lines mysteriously missing. The effect was called the ‘NSA line eater’. People used to reserve the last line of e-mails for something like this:

NSA line eater food: bomb, terrorist, president, asshole, assassinate, immediately

Actually it was a combination of an urban legend and a technical fault (anorak facts from Mondofacto). But that wasn’t as much fun.

Now, it seems, line eater food is back on the menu, but for a different reason. Now we know they’re reading everything, and scanning it for keywords and whatnot, because the swine have the temerity not only to pay themselves with our money to do it but also to brag about it later.

Ian Parker-Joseph (with whom I am back to agreeing) prescribes more or less exactly the antecedent remedy:

The following is a disclaimer and a protest at the collection, retention and sharing of my personal mail by the morally bankrupt state.

Key words, bomb, assassinate, president, brown, Osama, Obama, Sargozy, Merkel, government, target, location, rocket, grenade, al-Qaeda, Pakistan, India, Afghanistan, UK, America, guns, jets, bombs, machine-gun, terrorists, MP’s, pigs, troughs, France, Germany, Italy, nuclear, Korea.

Any computer fan will instantly recognise that merely copying and pasting this block of text into one’s own e-mails (or, for that matter, blog posts, internet traffic being subject to the same surveillance) will be completely ineffective.

This is because were one to be on the Other Side, one would simply set up a filter, much as one does to recognise spam, which knows this form of words and is set to ignore it. As each person sets up their provocative sig-line, the system will check it once, and then pass it by.

Properly to waste the enemy’s fuel, it has to be different each time.

Mondofacto again:

The GNU version of Emacs actually has a command that randomly inserts a bunch of insidious anarcho-verbiage into your edited text.

This is far more like what is required, but instead of all resorting to GNU EMACS, which would be rather like abandoning one’s combine-harvester in favour of a McCormick’s Patent Mechanical Reaper, we might instead consider this as a minor challenge to the creative impulse.

For myself I do not believe that any terrorist would ever refer to themselves as a ‘terrorist’ (hence the humour of the briefing scene in Python’s Life of Brian), nor do I believe that they would transmit, en-clair, words to do with their vocation which are normally used only by journalists.

Were this to be a genuine terrorist communication, it might read:

The begonias have come up again, and are looking really rather good this year. We have nine different colours, and there is every sign that they will be in full bloom by the end of the month.

Or even, less cryptically,

Carry out operation Lucifer at 0000 Monday.

But of course there are no genuine terrorists, and the whole thing is just more security-theatre, the real purpose of which is to justify the detection and control of political dissent.

So the exact choice of words is a matter for the creative interpretation of the individual. All that matters is that they are there, and different every time, and persuasively interpretable as in some way ominous.

PFLE, operation Lucifer, protactinium, methyl phosphonyl fluoride, isopropanol, Green Park tube station, volunteers, synchronise, mobile phone, martyrs

Will this do?

mummylonglegs:

The police are dying to bust some heads. Gordon is desperate for the police to bust some heads. And the protestors appear to be quite willing to have their heads busted. What a fucking waste of time. I’m sorry if any one disagrees with me but violence and vandalism will not acheive anything.

They will achieve what they are expected and have been planned to achieve: the G20 summit will be ‘put at risk’, and damage caused, by violent ‘demonstrators’ (whoever they really are). Further repression of public protest will therefore be justifiable by the compliant media to the gullible public, and will thus be implemented well in time for the real protests later this year.

Which will have nothing to do with professional ‘anarchists’, police agents-provocateurs or the brief and meaningless wafflings of ‘world leaders’.

The predictable scare story in the Independent about how the internet is being used to coordinate riots gushes thus:

The online pamphlets suggest certain groups are advising their followers on how to beat the police should things turn rough. One document, called “Guide to Public Order Situations”, explains how to breach lines of riot police using a “snow plough” human formation; throw rape alarms to make it hard for the police to give orders; resist baton and horse charges using nets; and “de-arrest” seized protesters.

The document to which the Independent is too public-spirited to link is here (and here, and, as a .pdf, here).

Once cannot help but notice that they still haven’t heard of marbles.

One also cannot help but notice that this odd document was posted very recently, and separately from the usual Schnews update cycle.

It is interesting that the document gives no advice whatsoever on how to stage any kind of effective non-violent direct action, concentrating entirely on police-fighting tactics and the avoidance of arrest.

As regular readers will know I am convinced that certain well-known ‘protest’ organisations are fakes. In particular the longstanding tradition established by the allegedly ‘anarchist’ group ‘Class War’, of turning peaceful protests into riots so that they can be vigorously put down and legislated against, and the total lack of real members of this organisation among those arrested or beaten suggests to me that the group is no more than a special squad of the Metropolitan Police.

I have got better things to do today than a running commentary on a fight-arranged stage battle between the uniformed, undercover plainclothes, and undercover garishclothes branches of the Met, and the immediate and inevitable passing of yet more repressive legislation allegedly justified thereby and doubtless already drafted, so I am off to do them, and will continue with this in due course.

Readers will have noticed that I am not on the whole what is known as a ’swear blogger’. I see no reason to vary this policy now, but I must point out that it would be quite inappropriate to refer to the likes of ‘Class War’ as ‘wankers’, because it is so depressingly apparent that very few of them would, in fact, be able to pass this component of the course.

UK Indymedia, via The Register:

…British Transport Police are asking staff to report any sightings that meet the following general description of activities:

* Groups of travellers wearing noticeable themed clothing, for example same large logo or coloured shirts etc
* Any noticebale groups who are beleived to be travelling to London
* Any groups carrying banners or posters… [sic. throughout]

Suppressing the urge to say ‘I told you so’, I refer readers to the answer that I gave earlier:

Dress normally and carry to the event no placards, posters or any other materials associated with protests. Photographers, who are to take no part in any action, should dress as tourists and carry cameras openly… meet reliably at a given point and time without anyone hanging around there beforehand. All must arrive at the point from different directions at once.

I don’t know who reads this blog, but among those who don’t are clearly numbered British Transport Police.

Rail staff should instead be instructed to report instantly to the authorities anyone who:

* dresses in an individual but utterly normal style
* is not carrying any demonstration materials
* does not form part of a discernible group
* travels alone, paying fares in cash

Hope this helps.

It is always comforting when one’s own prescriptions are reflected by those whom one has come to regard as authoritative*.

Ian Parker-Joseph (LPUK):

This Government is looking for a fight. Don’t give it to them… I neither condemn nor condone these marches, I only wish that they remain peaceful, but will support and defend the right to hold them.

mummylonglegs (Libertarian Alliance):

To all those attending the protests I ask you, don’t give them what they want. Don’t give them something to hide behind. They need a riot more than anything else at the moment.

leg-iron (Old Holborn):

If we don’t riot, Labour are likely to be obliterated in a general election. If we riot, there won’t be one.

Once again:

If I hear of anyone having knocked off a single policeman’s helmet, I shall, after all these warnings, be very disappointed indeed.

* that’s ‘authoritative’ in the academic sense, not ‘authoritarian’. No, Bakunin, they are not the same, you ought to know that. And, for the last time, put that away, Makhno. If I see it again, I shall confiscate it.

Vital strategic educational resource leg-iron, on the subject of protest:

It looks very much like a setup, a stage-managed riot in which a lot of innocent people will get hurt. None of the organisers will be damaged because they won’t be there. The British haven’t rioted to order so the Government is going to arrange it for us.

I would agree entirely. All of the signs suggest it.

However, the score is currently one-nil to us.

Once upon a time (so the story goes) the police in Watford were very concerned indeed that there would be considerable violence at a football match between Watford (at home) and a team from Up North (away). A whole regiment of Up North supporters were going to travel to Watford in a fleet of coaches and were believed to be intending to engage Watford’s own hooligan element (known as ‘The Rookery’, after the part of the home ground they usually occupied) in debate in a style incompatible with the police view of proper British sportsmanship. The police feared that there would be assaults, damage to property, and, frankly, blood running in the gutters of Football Ground Road.

So with traditional police ingenuity they got onto their opposite numbers in Up North Constabulary and asked them to look up some stuff on their computer. Then they lay in wait on the M1.

When the fleet of coaches transpired, the police carefully ignored two of them, one of which they by then knew to contain the football team itself, and the other its officially accredited hangers-on (managers, masseurs, medics, minders, minders’ masseurs, medics’ managers, etc. and the chap who brings on the oranges at half-time). These, blissfully ignorant of the whole affair, proceeded to Watford and got on with the game.

All of the other coaches were stopped, and gone over one by one by a rather small group of police officers, who asked lengthy and tiresome questions and insisted on searching the more protosimian hooligans for weapons, several of which they found, justifying their carrying on in the same style.

Before long it became apparent to the Up North supporters that by the time the police had finished with searching coaches and searching questions (“Who won the FA Cup in 1931? Don’t lie to me, lad, I know you know.”) they would have missed the match, and their appointment with Watford Rookery, entirely.

So they eventually drove in a big convoy to the next junction, where they all turned 180° and went back Up North. The police, quietly satisfied with their intelligence-driven operation, returned to Watford.

Where Watford Rookery, deprived of their expected enemy, and stoked up until their safety-valves rattled, had for the duration of the match and for some time afterwards been letting off steam by fighting, viciously and with substantial collateral damage, er, Watford Rookery. There had been a number of assaults and instances of damage to property, and according to witness statements blood was at the stated time observed to be running in the gutters of Football Ground Road.

Not being a football fan I wasn’t at the game, and not being a service area I wasn’t on the M1 either, so I don’t know if this story (which I heard many times, in more or less exactly the same terms) is true in every detail, but, even if it isn’t, I’m sure there is a moral in it somewhere. Had I but the wit, etc., etc.

Congratulations to all those who made their point (not that I necessarily agree with it) in central London today. I too heard the six o’clock news and independently arrived at the conclusion drawn by mummylonglegs, that the MSM are rather disappointed that there were no arrests.

Before very long the Met Police will have to deploy their specialist riot-initiation squad. With any luck everyone will ignore them, and refuse to throw anything. If this occurs, the police will doubtless feel obliged, for the sake of appearances, to arrest their own agents-provocateurs, which will doubtless provide almost as much entertainment as did Gordon Brown’s triumphal world tour.

Apologies for another rather late start, caused this time by HMRC (once again) and some computer problems.

The quite unprecedented Schnews gives a ten-point tactical guide to fighting the police. It is not exactly schnew Schnews. And these fellows are too young to remember marbles.

I was discussing the matter of public protest with an acquaintance of mine who has some experience of the matter and we came up with a quite different set of suggestions.

1. Arrange your protest personally and well in advance; do not use phones of any kind, e-mail or the internet. You may wish to notify trusted journalists, if this is considered not to be an oxymoron. Post is the best method owing to the expense and inconvenience of its interception. Wear gloves and do not lick envelopes, but always sellotape them all round to thwart the ’split-bamboo’ or ‘knitting-needle’ methods of opening and to force the use of cruder and more detectable methods. If any post is delivered as ‘damaged’, cancel all plans and make new ones.

2. Dress normally and carry to the event no placards, posters or any other materials associated with protests. Photographers, who are to take no part in any action, should dress as tourists and carry cameras openly. A full command of English is not required for this position.

3. Do not carry any form of identification or documents, mobile phones, credit cards, phone cards, Oyster cards or any other items which might assist in tracing you. Do not carry anything which could be construed as a weapon.

4. Do carry: a modest amount of cash, for fares and phoneboxes, and without which one might be subject to a charge of vagrancy; and a great many small, and preferably apparently valuable, items of harmless but miscellaneous tat. Mysterious and unidentifiable electronic components, or items of jewellery, would be good. A few dozen, or three pocketfuls, will suffice. Carefully list these items before starting, leaving the list at home. A blank notebook and pen are also essential.

5. Do carry: several different coloured hats, of the baseball cap or jungle hat variety that folds easily into a pocket. Regularly change the colour of your hat. If you can carry a change of top, also change this whenever you can. The same goes for style of sunglasses. Trade clothing, if possible, with others. This will play merry hell with automated surveillance and tracking systems. Always change somewhere unlikely to be covered by CCTV. Wear jeans, which are scarcely identifiable from one another even as fibres, particularly if you do not normally wear them.

6. If necessary, train until you are sufficiently disciplined and accurate to meet reliably at a given point and time without anyone hanging around there beforehand. All must arrive at the point from different directions at once. Never write down any details of the points or times.

7. On meeting at the target, without any hesitation immediately form a line across the road and sit down.

8. Eventually the police will arrive, if they’re not there already. They will tell you that you must stop obstructing the road. Very politely, explain that you are acting upon conscience and that though you appreciate the difficulty of their position you are sure that they will understand that you cannot comply voluntarily with their requests. Soon they will start carrying people out of the road. Offer no resistance to this process, but offer no co-operation either. As soon as you have been carried to the pavement, return to the road and sit down again. Before long the police will be obliged to arrest you. When they do, continue to act towards them with the greatest civility but explain again that you are acting on principle and may not be able to assist them with their enquiries.

9. When you reach the police station, insist that all of your belongings, including all of the mysterious miscellanea, are listed in full detail on the property sheet. This will take ages. Offer no assistance with identification of your valuable property, again being as polite as possible, but make clear that any losses or variation from correct procedure will be noted and made the subject of an official complaint. You may either refuse to give your name and address, leaving the police to try to identify you, or give it, without being able to provide any evidence that it is true. If you have a group, it might be worth adopting one another’s identities for the day, so that all the fingerprints, DNA and photos are those of the wrong people. If you happen to be disabled or pregnant, make as much of this as seems appropriate.

10. Complain, politely but continuously, about everything. Write everything down in your notebook, particularly the collar numbers of all the police officers you meet. If your notebook is confiscated, demand writing materials. Answer no questions other than to explain yet again that you are acting upon conscience. Demand to see a solicitor. Refuse to accept a caution. Refuse to accept bail. Promise the police that, since you are acting on conscience, you will have no alternative if released but to return to the road and sit down again. Soon their custody suite will be full. Soon the prisons will also be full, and prisoners will have to be transported all over the country. You will soon be released. If charged, insist first upon being remanded in custody on the grounds that you intend to re-offend, and then upon your day in court before a jury of your peers, which day you should transform into a tedious and time-consuming propaganda exercise. While waiting, follow up each and every complaint, also writing to the press, MPs, etc. about them. Since you have used no violence, and have been effusively polite throughout, and are clearly using the legal process for your own propaganda purposes, it is very likely that your case will eventually be dismissed, on the grounds that ‘it would not be in the public interest’ to try it.

If two dozen people did these things, they would cause considerable inconvenience, though perhaps not very spectacularly. If two hundred did it, the custody capacity of central London would be severely stressed, and a great deal of police time would be consumed. If two thousand did it, police and court logistics would be brought to the point of collapse, and it would take many months, possibly years, for all of the cases to be heard, if indeed they ever are. If twenty thousand were to to do it, then it would have a good chance of bringing about regime change on the spot.

And all without so much as raising one’s voice, let alone anything that could ever be portrayed as ‘violence’.

This is what one might call a ’strategic’ ten-point plan. Of course I am open to correction in detail by those with more recent experience of this sort of thing, in which I have not been involved since I was at college (and then not exactly on the same side).

I shall not be fighting the police this afternoon, because they are not the enemy, but when (as opposed, perhaps, to ‘if’) my bit of string finally snaps I know what I’m going to do, and it hasn’t got anything to do with masks, shin pads, CS gas or baton-guns.

I take the unfashionable view that all this isn’t just some sort of traditional Bank Holiday sport. It’s actually real. While as a libertarian I naturally support both the right of the dreadlocked anarchist to enjoy his fun (within the limits set by the concept of ‘initiation of force’) and that of the policeman his overtime (likewise) I can see no purpose in indulging in dramatic, noisy, sometimes violent but always ineffectual ‘protest’ when with a bit of planning, training and discipline one could achieve a considerably more satisfactory target effect.

Who does this sound like?

…in black clothing, motorcycle helmets, steel-toed boots and often carrying shields and truncheons

That’s right; it’s the Met Police Special Agent-Provocateur Squad. Used to be called ‘Class War’ until that stopped sounding cool. Let anyone else try wandering through central London dressed and equipped thus, and see how far they get.

The Telegraph, unable to discriminate between anarchists (black flags) and anarcho-syndicalists (black and red flags), is perhaps not the best guide to the forthcoming event:

The anarchists, marked out by their red and black flags…

{sigh}

Consider an inflammable gas, like acetylene. Release a large quantity of it suddenly and ignite it. There is a huge, spectacular fireball, which if done properly will leave behind it an ominous mushroom-shaped cloud. It is all over in a few seconds, and despite the noise and blast is unlikely to do any real damage unless it occurs in a particularly sensitive place. And afterwards there’s no acetylene left.

Take the same quantity of acetylene, and release it slowly into a cutting torch, to form the tiny blue flame which will cut steadily through steel. It will, slowly but surely, fell a thousand-foot television tower or a three-mile suspension bridge, more rapidly wreck a railway, or make very short work indeed of a bundle of coaxial cables.

And when it has done all of these things there is still plenty of acetylene left; bottles and bottles of it, as much as you want.

The Met, their dreadlocked stooges, the government and all the others would like there to be a fireball, and will do everything they can to encourage one. It will be all over in a day, there will be little uninsured damage, and then they can pass all those lovely new laws.

If I had my way they wouldn’t get it. Instead they’d get the little blue flame. Over and over and over again, until they cannot sleep for trying to listen for the sharp little crack of another torch being lit, over the creaks and squeals of tortured metal as their world comes tumbling down.

But then I actually want to change things, rather than just observing another British bank-holiday tradition.